Welcome to this place inside my head. Blogging since Sept 23, 2004
I AM BLESSED
See post March 18th 2008 for details on why this is here
Standing on a moonlit path, a wolf howls and I shudder
Where walks the fear of humanity is all my minds does utter
I reach for magick all about, for wisdom born of aches
And I know that one day I will reach the promised Crystal Lakes
The magick swells within my soul, and I am frightened too
For I am only now learning what this mind can really do
So walk this twisted path with me where feelings run so free
As I discover the powers behind the hidden Mysteries .
MY LULU BOOKS FOR SALE
Boy what a wild ride my life has taken this past month or so. Everyday there was something else, something more that tore the life out of me, that broke my already splinter heart, that drove me to the edge and took away my light. Pushing me, beseeching me to kill myself, to end it all…saying it would never get better, that I would spend the rest of my days in fear, pain and tears. I had all but given up; nay I had given up. I went so far as to search the Internet to find painless ways to kill myself, I found them. I collected what I needed.
I spoke to the darkness that it had won, each day more and more poured out upon me, illness, trials, tribulations, humiliation, feeling alone. Losing everything I worked all my life for, staining my name so much more. I had no heart left, no compassion, no will to live on and I wanted it to end.
People standing there cheering me on meant nothing, I was so deeply in pain so over the point of no return and I continued to fall. These cheerleaders didn’t understand, they weren’t there beside me, no personal e-mails, no one to talk with, their love was not real and no one was helping me on the material. All the love in the world doesn’t pay the bills and NO ONE was there to help me.
I begged old friends who abandoned me to come and help, I was in tears and I was on my knees "Please, Please if we were ever friends, help me. Just answer a question. I want nothing else from you…Just the answer to one question." The question had to do about my car, nothing hard but dreadfully important to me at the time.
My phone calls were not returned, they did not care. I was alone, I was broken, I was afraid and I wanted to die. I had no one, no family, no friends, no one and I was desperate to find a reason to live. None appeared.
A few unexpected friends came to my side…I will never forget their kindness and I will never be able to repay them. I will also never forget those who ignored me in my pain and I invoke the 3x10 fold law that they experience the same compassion in their life that they gave to me. May the Universe show them what it is they have planted and reap, it’s not up to me…
Any way during all this I could not reach my Angels, I called to them. I prayed, I cast spells I did all I knew. I cried to the Bright Lady and did not hear Her. I wailed to the God and I thought I felt His hand but want sure. I held my feather so tight it imprinted into my hand. I could not reach any of them or hear them.
The darkness continued to attack me (in so many ways you would think I was making it all up) but it was there. Actively pursuing me. I gave up completely and totally, annihilated, shattered and destroyed. Except that was not enough for the darkness, it wanted more, it wanted me to give up my soul to it (I think at that point I would have as broken as I was for I did not care what happened to me.)
Then it wanted me to curse the Light, it was a step to far, something I would never do. I refused. In my refusal I took back some power and as I continued to refuse I grew more powerful and I knew that there would be an end if I just waited. I began saying, "There must be a reason, there must be."
In my depression, illness and pain I had not been able to sleep well. Yet one night I slept and there he was…beside my chair. Not kicking it, not teasing me but lightly and gently caressing my cheek. "Cub, I have been here but you couldn’t hear me, I have stood at your side each second of the day as you tore away at yourself. I have never left you and as bad as it was you were not alone. I have battled this onslaught beside you fighting tirelessly this attack as you sobbed for help. I have not left you and I never never will. Come Cub we have places to go."
Within seconds we were off down hallways that rang a bell in my mind. Then I was at a campfire, there was a picnic table and a feast on it. A woman tended the fire, I had been here before and I ran to her and hugged her tight. "Mother, where have you been? I needed you, I called you and you didn’t answer. I gave up."
Hugging me tightly she, she dried my tears with her sleeve and said," I have been here waiting for you. I heard you each night and I tried to come to you, you wouldn’t let me and I couldn’t force you."
I hung my head in shame, " I doubted you, I gave up and I almost gave in."
She led me to the table and sat beside me, "But you are here now and that’s all that matters, you are here and we will help you"
Through the bushes I heard movement and then appeared the God, holding a basket of bread and meat. " Oh you’re here, we have been waiting for you steadfastly. From the moment the darkness began its attack against you we have been right here, waiting for you to come to us. Hoping you would remember the way…we waited." He hugged me and kissed my cheek.
Then they feed me, healed me and restored my soul. There were a lot of things that I would rather not share as it is private and means nothing to anyone but me. But then they said it was time to talk.
They explained that in my cursing the darkness in my post on Feb 2 2008 I had openly declared war against the darkness and it could not let it pass. The darkness had used those energies (my negative cursing) in their battle against me. Reflecting to me that which I had sent out, by the 3-fold law. That as angry as we are at the darkness cursing is not the way for it keeps us in that mindset/energy flow. Negativity on any level is not good for any soul and such energies can be used against you. That is what the darkness did, it used your negative energies (aimed at the darkness) against you and brought you to your knees with it. Instead of damning it, as you did shine light on it. Send it love that it might find its way from where it is, send it the Light of Illumination and Truth and let it find its own way.
I listened intently and asked but isn’t it right to be angry at the Darkness for all that it has done, as it a war of the spirit we are in?
"Yes, it is," replied the God. "There is such a thing as righteous anger but it is not found in damning the entity. It is found in the behavior that entity does. The wrongness of hurting another is never acceptable but the cursing any living soul is always defeating to the one sending the curse. Your righteous indignation in your war against the darkness should always include loving energies and compassion yet full rejection of the actions the darkness exhibits. In this way your energies are based in the light and can not be twisted against you. You work from your higher self as you war against the negativity and show the loving lighted path you strive to be a part of. "
Thinking hard I understood what was being said. As good as my intentions were, returning negativity with negativity no matter what the reason was not the way. Not only was it bad for my spiritual evolution but it could be twisted (energy wise) and used against me. I needed to learn better ways of doing things and now I had an understanding of how to battle this darkness and the attacks it made on me. No longer would I damn it, instead I would welcome it with love and light, shining upon it all the truth and loving compassion I could muster. It was then I remembered how when in the pits before, with Shadow (the dog) and Perth (the cat) how the swords of the angels tore at the darkness with light. How the darkness ran from the light. There was the key…. Not hate but love. Darkness can’t take love, light, compassion and truth. That was what I shall arm myself with now.
The Bright Lady now took my hands in hers and said, " The universe is a tricky place and what you say has meaning. When you say, my life is hard but getting better, it hears that and gives you what you say you have. A hard life that gets better, but each day the universe must keep giving you things that make it hard because you have said it is so. The universe hears all things and makes it happen that way. So you must learn to think before you speak. How will this be heard by the universe? What will it cause the universe to deliver? When you say my life sucks, it will deliver that? When you say I wish to be a success it will do that too, it will keep you wishing to be a success. You must be DIRECT, CONSISE and SIMPLE in what you say. The best way to learn this is to everyday say I am Blessed. The Universe blesses me with positive abundance and loving energies.
I nodded in understanding. "I will think before I speak my Lady and I will begin and end each day with this. I will add it to the opening of my Blog page so the universe will see this and each time it is read it will gain more positive energy and I will be blessed because I am blessed and I am ever grateful to be your child. Thank you for loving me and for never giving up on me, even when I gave up on myself and on you. Thank you and Bless the Lighted path that I walk."
Once more hugs went all around and I noticed the Great God wipe away a tear as well. We laughed, we talked, we played and I was renewed in spirit and soul. Soon it was time to return to my chair and Michael appeared.
He took my hand and led me to the portal that takes me to my chair. He said, "Ya know Cub you really have no need of me for this anymore, you have been here enough you know the way yourself. You can get here anytime you need or want." He looked a bit sad.
I kissed his cheek, " I may know the way myself Michael but your being here always makes the journey so much better. I think I will keep you a bit longer…. I need you so, but don’t ask me to ever say that again."
He messed my hair and gave me a brotherly push. "Come on, I have other things to do then escort you about the dimensions and planes." Pulling me through the portal and into my chair. Bending as he tucked me into my chair for the umpteenth time, "Seriously are you gonna be OK? I am here and I will never leave you. No matter what, even if it feels like I have gone it is but a trick of the darkness. Run to your higher self, Use your Dark Night powder. All this will help you remember you are blessed then you will see me, you will hear the words of the Bright Lady and Lord. Remember you are Loved no matter what you do, for all eternity."
Throwing both arms around his neck I buried my face there. "I think I will be fine, no.. I WILL BE FINE. I may have days I slip back because I am an edge walker but I will make it and I will not only be blessed but I WILL SHINE! Oh and I love you too. Now go on get out of here I need to sleep and heal."
So ends this ALB communication and so ends the battle of cursing the darkness. I will now longer curse anything. I will turn it over to the universe. I will invoke the 3 fold laws and I will let it go, as the universe hears all and responds. I will say everyday I AM BLESSED & I SHINE!
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