Welcome to this place inside my head. Blogging since Sept 23, 2004
I AM BLESSED
See post March 18th 2008 for details on why this is here
Standing on a moonlit path, a wolf howls and I shudder
Where walks the fear of humanity is all my minds does utter
I reach for magick all about, for wisdom born of aches
And I know that one day I will reach the promised Crystal Lakes
The magick swells within my soul, and I am frightened too
For I am only now learning what this mind can really do
So walk this twisted path with me where feelings run so free
As I discover the powers behind the hidden Mysteries .
MY LULU BOOKS FOR SALE
On another subject from the last one, there is a tendency at this time of year to go wild at feeding the "Dark Dragon" within so that it raises its usually under control head and takes big gouges away at your heart and soul. Instead of stopping it and taming it and forcing it to rest once more, we tease it, and inflame it and even add to its wrath at ourselves until it leaves us bloodied, tired and a feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness. There is nothing worse than a life with no hope…nothing.
What in the world am I talking about you ask??? How would do this, who would allow this?YOU would!!!. Those of us (and I fear we all do) who sit and think back on your life, who look 10-20or even 40 or more years back and flail away at yourself for all you HAVE NOT done or gotten or achieved in your life. You start ticking off all the so called failure that you have had, all the things you didn’t do as you had expected to. You compare your life to so and so and your material possessions to those of so and so and your fame or success or all the things that make you "short" in life.
You spiral downward further and further, the Dark Dragon inside feeding off your pain and fear and depression. You continue not just for one session but for days, weeks and months you spiral falling further and further in the lair of the Dragon as it eats away at your souls and your spirit. Words like Merry Christmas and Seasons greetings are like salt in an open wound, ideas of gifts and love and caring for each other are translated into your not having a spouse or a family or a group of friends, and now you say I probably never will .
Sentiments that bring humanity together at this time only serve to show you how far apart you are, how unloved you feel and how much of a misfit you think you have always been and the Dark Dragon speaks in your earsaying "And will always be, no matter what!" A rush of pain sweeps over you at these words as you accept this realization and once more the Dark Dragon is made high and powerful and reaches ecstasy from your pain as it eats away at you and all that you are. You continue to feed it, you continue to accept what it says and you fall away….
BUT what if….what if this year when it starts instead of feeding it, you swim to the top. Instead of thinking on all you haven't done in the last 10-20- 30 or 40 or more years what if you take paper and pen and write all the amazing things you have done. All the discoveries in life that surprised you and brought you joy and happiness. All the experiences that meant something to you, all the awards and kind words or actions that brought a tear to your eyes, all the things in life that brought you hope, happiness and renewal of spirit.
No one needs to read it, no one needs to see it. It can be something as simple as I have found strawberry ice cream make me think of the pony rides when I was 10 with grandpa, or I remember the way I felt, such strength and victory when I finally walked away from Paul after he hit me the last time, or I found a friend that made me feel cared about and interesting (whether this friendship lasted or not you felt that for a time.)
These are ways to starve the Dark Dragon, These are ways to actually see your progress and see your life time line, to access your victories and what is truly important to you. These are ways to renew that spirit within and to finally not feel like the misfit, looking through the windows but never being invited inside with the others. This gives you the ability to move forward into the next year with the Dark Dragon left sleeping and the ability to say"Merry Christmas" with all the magick the season entails and mean it, not feeling hollow and empty.
So friend this year before the Dark Dragon scars your body, soul and mind take control, refresh your power and see what a really wonderful creation you are…Don’t feed the Dark Dragon within its not a ritual that needs to be done every year…you get no extra points in the universe for abusing yourself …So keep hope and love alive in your life and treat yourself with care and love so that you can help others who are busy feeding their own dark Dragons.
Fighter of the Dark Dragons within the World
Here it is almost Christmas, Winter Solstice has past and so now I wait the traditional date (dec.25th) to open presents. Why??? I don’t know because its a hold over from by childhood days, to honor my mom who was a BIG Christmas fan and a devout Christian, because everyone else does it that day…I don’t know why I wait that long but for some reason that seems to work in my loving if illogical world I wait till the 25th of Dec for the jolly ol fat man to bring me gifts I may open.
EXCEPT (must have an exception to the rule) for those that come in the mail and say Yuletide or that people say I can open right away. Those I tear into with the excitement of a demon poaching a devout Catholic soul … Those are mine, mine, mine!!! Its not really the gift that counts so much to me it the amazing generosity of the person who cared enough to take the time to think of me at all. It makes me feel warm and cuddly and for a few minutes in this spirit breaking world I think I may be loved after all, a feeling we can all use at times I am sure.
Well this year has been a doozy, I have gotten so very many loving gifts from totally unexpected people, such wonderful surprises that I have been struck to tears and more. Cards with money that was really needed, gifts that were hand made or handpicked. Special items wrapped in the most beautiful blue and silver paper and carried loving all the way from one state to another with just me in mind…What more could I ask for, these are more precious to me than anything I can imagine. I am so very blessed so very cared about and if I were gone I think, right now anyway, someone may notice and maybe even shed a tear….This fills my heart with a joy of being loved that only other misfits for life can ever understand. So thank you so much for the cards, the gifts big and small but mostly for thinking of me as important enough to remember in your life.
Blessings of the Season to you all through the year